When I saw distinguished columnist Andrew Borowitz’s coverage of the Million Masturbators March in Wilmington, Deleware I felt myself swell with pride.
To see all my fellow Americans coming together in this explosion of patriotic joy to me, was symbolic of our great country’s ability to take problems in hand and beat them.
When difficulties rise up in front of us it is the single most American endeavor to put our hands to the task and struggle until we are released from our cares.
While my fellow masturbators may often act alone, on this day we came together and made it clear with our very silent majority that this right is truly a bipartisan – indeed ageless – right of every American.
As Mr. Borowitz points out:
“Our country was founded by rugged individualists,” he said. “And you know what individualists like to do.”
Well said sir, well said!
Tracy Klugian, a homemaker and masturbator from Dover, Delaware, said she is “puzzled” by what she sees as the contradictory nature of candidate O’Donnell’s position: “If you’re against masturbation, why would you want to serve in Congress?”
A spokesman for the Wilmington Police Department, Crandall Darlington, said that the Million Masturbators March could cost the city tens of thousands of dollars, “especially when you include the cost of cleaning up afterwards.”
Despite these hang-ups, I believe we here in Longmont could emulate this march and stand up proudly – proclaiming the property rights to our own bodies and speaking out against government control of our pleasure.
Who’s with me? Raise your hands… when you’re done.
And a perfect candidate for our national spokeman!!