Humor

‘What Harm Could a Governor of Texas Do?’

Lone Star Candidate Kicks Off 2012 Bid

According to Andy Borowitz, “Gov. Perry said that he hoped to bring down the cost of the federal government the same way he reined in costs in Texas, ‘by making the state no longer habitable for human life as we know it.'”

Rick Perry will be running on the slogan, “What Harm Could a Governor of Texas Do?

According to the Washington Post, “Our opponents on the left are never going to like us, so let’s quit trying to curry favor with them,” Perry said.

Back atcha, Governor Perry, back atcha. It’s great to know that you recognize one — though only one — factual reality, “Our opponents on the left are never going to like us.”

Water’s On Fire

Spotted this at 5280:

By: Vanessa Martinez
Category: Elevated Voices
Posted: May 13, 2011 9:47 AM

Weld County Commissioners vs. Fracking: The Music Video (with VIDEO)

It’s beginning to feel a lot like 2012—or some other federal election year—with fracking (that’s short for hydraulic fracturing) on the line at the ballot box. Among the drilling method’s supporters are Weld County’s commissioners, who are launching a “myth-busting” tour this summer.

As the elected representatives of Colorado’s most prolific natural-gas-drilling county, their primary target is a little Academy Award–nominated documentary called Gasland, which scans the country for examples of how fracking is contaminating drinking water (Greeley Tribune). Weld claims more than 17,000 active oil-and-gas wells, some of which are literally in residents’ backyards, and criticisms like Gasland‘s have raised some concerns.

Read the rest at 5280.

Sarah Palin: “Profoundly stupid”

That’s how Chris Matthews described Sarah Palin in a recent on-air broadcast. And here’s the proof according to Alan Grayson, a straight shooter who always tells the truth whether or not it’s appreciated:

  1. Palin doesn’t know who is buried in Grant’s Tomb.
  2. Palin couldn’t tell you when the War of 1812 was fought.
  3. Palin has no clue about the color of George Washington’s white horse.
  4. Palin wonders on what day Latinos celebrate the Cinco de Mayo.
  5. Palin isn’t sure what weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers.
  6. Palin has no idea in what month the October Revolution took place.
  7. Palin is baffled by the question of who came up with the Monroe Doctrine.
  8. Palin would very much like to know who fought in the French and Indian War.
  9. Palin is puzzled as to who wrote “The Autobiography of Malcolm X.”
  10. Palin is at a loss regarding what were JFK’s initials.

And unless someone has or will put hallucinogens into the American water supply, Palin will never find her way to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. She will, however, continue to provide ample material for the consummate comedienne Tina Fey.

Bachmann challenged to Constitutional debate

From CityPages Blogs:

Most sane people know that Michelle Bachmann is ‘challenged’ in several ways – one of them being her knowledge of the Constitution. Amy Myers, a high school sophmore from Cherry Valley, NJ finally had enough of hearing a crazy person misrepresent the US Constitution and challenged her to a debate:

Is Michele Bachmann smarter than a high school sophomore?

Michele Bachmann is famously reluctant to put herself in positions where she might have to talk to someone who disagrees with her.

But Jesus God do we hope she makes an exception in this instance.

Amy Myers, a high school sophomore from Cherry Valley, New Jersey, has thrown down the gauntlet, challenging the Minnesota Representative to a debate and public test on the constitution, U.S. history, and civics.

Myers says Bachmann’s frequent errors, misstatements and distortions aren’t just bad for civic discourse — they’re bad for women.

“Though politically expedient, incorrect comments cast a shadow on your person and by unfortunate proxy, both your supporters and detractors alike often generalize this shadow to women as a whole,” Myers writes.

Here’s Myers’ entire letter – it’s a good read.


Will Bachmann consent to the debate?

Let’s see:

Teabagger called on to ‘do the right thing’ Not gonna happen
Far-right extremist asked to answer factual questions on camera What? Are you insane?
Lunatic hate-monger asked to put themselves in situation where violent rhetoric won’t work Not a prayer
Michelle Bachmann asked to demonstrate her knowledge of the Constituion HA

This is wonderful to see, even the children can see through the teabaggers.

Borowitz: 2012 Election Cancelled

The decision to scrap the 2012 contest came on the heels of a new poll showing President Barack Obama with an approval rating of one hundred percent, believed to be a record high for an American president. The new bipartisan spirit sweeping the nation was captured well by House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), who tearfully told reporters, “This is a great day for America… oh, leave me alone, goddamn it.”

Read more

Ye Olde Tea Partiers

Bruce Linder is at it again, this time over at The Pragmatic Progressive:

Ye Olde Tea Partiers Instant Guide to Political Buzzwords

by Bruce Linder

Attention Patriots! Are you sick and tired of getting your gonads handed to you by those smarty-britches liberals, with their pesky “facts?” Well, if you’re like me, and you just want to reach through your computer screen and throttle their lefty asses for being so smug, but you can’t, because of something called physics, then here’s what you do:

You deflect them with Ye Olde Tea Partiers Instant Guide to Political Buzzwords! Whenever you get cornered on who was president when the economy crashed, or who signed TARP, or, when some Massachusetts union worker mentions Saddam’s WMD’s (I swear, they’re still out there), you just whip out your book, and pick a word … any word. Because the point isn’t to make a point, it’s to deflect their point.

Here, watch this: “So, when George Bush was warned in writing about Osama bin Laden planning an attack 6 weeks before 9/11, why didn’t he bother to read the report?”

You respond; “Clinton!!”


There’s much more. Go read.

Dan Maes gets paddled by his own

Dan Maes is clearly a sore loser AND a slow learner.

Usually I don’t send traffic to right-wing sites but this is just precious: watching Rossputin bitch-slap the living daylights out of Dan Maes (hey Dan, thanks for that election!).

Go read it, it’s supremely funny.

Here’s a sample:

Dan, I have likewise enjoyed not hearing from you as it reminds me of a sad chapter in our state’s political history.  As for my 10 listeners and readers, I would note that that’s 10 more than you have.  But seriously, do you really want to start comparing whose is bigger?

-rossputin

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

The Georgia Newt

Eye of newt? Sounds like (more) witchcraft from the GOP

The Georgia newt (a subspecies of a small, slender-bodied amphibian with lungs and a tail, typically spending its adult life on land and returning to water to breed) was thought to be extinct. Although the Georgia newt is not small and is certainly not slender-bodied, it apparently does return to liquid substances (judging from its behavior, likely not water) to breed.

A recent discovery by visual and audible observation of a Georgia newt surfacing from its murky world offers despair that this subspecies may not be extinct.

After watching many sci-fi movies, the Georgia newt now has designs on the formerly unoccupied “Master of the Universe” position, and may attempt to take this role under the banner and with the help of the Greedy Oligarchs and Plutocrats cartel, also known as the GOP.

Newts are not monogamous, and Georgia newts exemplify that pattern. Although newts are not cannibalistic, this particular subspecies has dined on former mates.

According to a Wikipedia article, “Many newts produce toxins in their skin secretions as a defense mechanism against predators.” The Georgia newt discharges toxins by opening its mouth in the presence of microphones and television cameras.

The Georgia newt ranks with Darth “Heartless Dick” Cheney and its Bush puppet, the Alaska moose killer, and every RepugaCon minion that spews venom from its food/vomit orifice. You would be correct in assuming that I have no love for this loathsome creature. However, it does deserve credit for converting many apolitical people to socialism.

Obviously not a creature manifesting any intelligence, the Georgia newt apparently thinks that, after only two years, it’s now time for another slimy creature in the White House.

To comment on the Georgia newt’s campaign, go to newtexplore2012.com.

Hurry! Have babies – NOW

Religion, the original 'viral' meme

Religious people are going to inherit the earth, or so says Robert Rowthorn, a British economics professor.

How so, you say? Well, according to other research, religious people carry a “religiosity gene,” meaning they inherit a predisposition toward religious belief.

According to Rowthorn and his mathematical model, the religiosity gene works best if you mate with someone else who has the religiosity gene. Extrapolating from this and demographic data that indicates that the religious have more babies than the non-religious, Rowthorn contends that the gene combined with the practice of religion will result in the world becoming more religious rather than less.

Rowthorn has crafted a complete theory around the results of his modeling. He writes, “For religion to influence genetic evolution, it must convey some kind of selective advantage. Such an effect might come through social bonding via ritual, formation of group identity through myth, honest signaling through participation in costly ceremonies, and adherence to social norms through love or fear of God.”

Using statistics gathered between 1981 and 2004, adults who attend weekly religious service have on average 2.5 children while those who never attend have an average of 1.67 children. And more secular societies have lower birth rates than religious societies.

But according to Rowthorn, all bases are covered. We shouldn’t worry about religious defectors, because those who have the gene will spread it widely into surrounding populations. And all of this is to transpire in the space of a few generations.

It now makes a lot more “sense” that fundamentalists – Catholic, evangelical and others – are so against contraception. Or at least it makes sense if they presume a “religiosity gene” to go along with church attendance and the objective to spread the word and to take Dominion

Rowthorn contends that scientists agree that features of the human brain affect belief in the supernatural, obedience to authority and other characteristics. I don’t doubt that. American scholar Bob Altmeyer’s behavioral research on the authoritarian conservative tends to support this. He posed the very weighty question, What happens when “authoritarian conservatives” inherit the earth?

So, secularists, stop taking the pill, remove your IUDs, and make love daily, but do it with humility. After all, didn’t Jesus say that the meek should inherit the earth? I don’t recall anything about the earth being inherited by the religious. But don’t expect any financial assistance – whether for basics, education or anything else – from the fundamentalists. They only care about babies BEFORE they are born.

Kermit’s a terrorist?

Saw this comment on the soon-to-be-under-new-management Times Call website:


Kermit, Eco-terrorist

SUSTAINABLE DEVELOPMENT rules are sweeping America, implementing a new system of justice and a new system of economics, while pretending to use the environment as society’s “Central Organizing Principal”. The sad news is Sustainable Development will eliminate private property, indoctrinate our children and destroy liberty in America and throughout the world. Would you like more details?
Sustainable Development is coming about through a high priority plan driven by the International Council on Local Environmental Initiatives (ICLEI, and read that INTERNATIONAL!!) with the following goals of transforming local governments, with concentrated pressure on city managers, mayors and city council members to adopt certain policies. These polices will inevitably result in the end goal of equalizing income worldwide while controlling population, restricting capitalism and consumerism while destroying free market economies. (PLEASE READ THAT LAST PARAGRAPH AGAIN. AND THINK ABOUT IT!
Watch for these “buzzwords” as all are connected with Sustainable Development:
Green (anything)
Green Building
LEED Certified (Leadership in Energy and Environment Design)
Sustainable
Sustainability
Carbon Neutral
Carbon Footprint
Multimodal Transportation
Historic Preservation
Smart Growth
Smart Cars
Smart Meters
Smart Grid
Unanticipated Revenue
Pilot Projects
Pilot Programs
Conservation Easement
Triple Bottom Line Budgeting (All decisions based on “Society + Environment + Economy”)
End of Ride Facility
ICLEI Consulting Companies (Clarion Associates &/or Brendle Group)
Sustainability City/County Plans (such as Ft. Collins Plan, Boulder County Plan)
Zero Waste Plans
…THE END
(deleted long stream of gibberish)

mirage – Loveland


Good grief. Whoever wrote this is making a loud, braying call to ‘eat the planet’ and ‘don’t forget the ketchup! BURRRP!’

Let’s go over this piece by piece. (I know this is much like a coprological exploration but trust me, there’s information to be gotten.)

Sustainable Development will eliminate private property Always with this canard. This ‘private property‘ meme is  a litmus test for far-right thinking. ‘Private’ to these folks means ‘MINE! MINE! FOREVER! AND EVER! AND YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!’ This childish mindset is the best indicator that we’re dealing with an unhinged member of the lunatic fringe.
indoctrinate our children The American Taliban routinely wave this claim around – what they really mean is “how dare anyone interfere with our indoctrination!” – God forbid the kids ever know the truth and opt for a ‘non-locust’ lifestyle.
destroy liberty in America and throughout the world Ohmigawd. The DFHs will take over! Seriously, recycling will destroy liberty? So the scrap drives for metal during the World Wars …destroyed liberty…? Ok guys… you’re clearly all alone out in deep right field (and still short a couple of balls).
ICLEI, and read that INTERNATIONAL!! It’s-a-con-spir-a-cy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahem. Time to increase the anti-psychotic medication again. Hurry, before the toaster finds you.
concentrated pressure on city managers, mayors and city council members I.E. any form of activism. Of any kind except cheerleading. Ever. Oh, proclamations are okay too.
These polices will inevitably result in the end goal of equalizing income worldwide while controlling population This from the party that thinks 1% of the population should hold 99% of the wealth. We’re so far from any kind of income equality it’s laughable – and so is this half-concious rhetoric.
PLEASE READ THAT LAST PARAGRAPH AGAIN. AND THINK ABOUT IT! Hold your bible in one hand and your loaded rifle in the other!! Don’t forget to wet your pants for effect! Look out! There’s the TOASTER!!
Watch for these “buzzwords” as all are connected with Sustainable Development: Green (anything) So now Kermit’s a terrorist? Really?? I’m not happy about that. Not one bit. Such a clever disguise.
Green Building By all means let’s build houses with as little insulation as possible – cuts into the profit margin don’t ya know? And cheesy windows of course – got to keep those after-market replacement guys in business! We’re only living in one of the harshest environments in the US… what the heck, make the buildings out of cheap concrete and turn up the themostat – Oil Never Ends!! um. no kids, it does.
LEED Certified (Leadership in Energy and Environment Design) So we should embrace  FIDO Certified housing? (Flimsy Inefficient Disposable Overpriced) ?
Sustainable
Sustainability
Because we WANT to consume all the resources on the planet! (locust chirp)
Carbon Neutral
Carbon Footprint
Stop worrying about how much crap YOU’RE spewing into the air that WE all have to BREATHE. Real Christian of you brother. Amenhallelujah-chaCHING.
Multimodal Transportation Everyone will drive Hummers. That’s it. Sit down and shut up, DFH.
Historic Preservation
Smart Growth
Scrape it, pop it… sounds like dealing with zits – which is what most of the new housing developments look (and live) like. Don’t preserve any of the character of our cities, just keep building! (locust chirp)
Smart Cars
Smart Meters
Smart Grid
Because smart things are always bad. Life was better when everything was stupid. Stupid is the new Red State color.
Unanticipated Revenue Because how can you set up the bribes?
Pilot Projects
Pilot Programs
Now this is confusing. I thought pilots were their big heroes?
Conservation Easement Remember: Conservatives HATE Conservation. Conservative = Locust and locusts don’t preserve they consume. (that’s why they get so freaked out about ‘limiting consumerism’ in any way… they might starve!)
Triple Bottom Line Budgeting (All decisions based on “Society + Environment + Economy”) Because all spending decisions should be based on (“Us” – “Them” * “Profit” + “Destruction” + “Kick a DFH if at all possible”)
End of Ride Facility Because you NEVER get off their ‘bus’ – locusts don’t stop till they die. Sadly, they breed furiously so there’s always another swarm coming.

The  really, REALLY sad part about this whole thing is that for all these years I’ve trusted Kermit. Now I’m just lost. I mean… what’s next? Cookie Monster a mad bomber? At least I know Miss Piggy will never turn, she’s been about consumption all along.

Denier dementia: a weather forecast

Might it be in the water? Could it be in the air? Or more likely it’s a matter of a unique dementia that strikes those who listen to rightwing talk radio or watch Fox News. The climate change deniers are on a roll because of the blizzard of 2010 on the East Coast. And they are getting ready to roll right into Longmont and Denver Metro with the forecast of the first winter storm of the season. The logic goes something like this: If it’s cold anywhere, then there is no such thing as global warming.

Watch Sam Seder’s most remarkable “weather forecast.”

Sing out, Louise: “It’s beginning to look a lot like oligarchy”

As seen on Huffington Post by Leo Gerard

[As sung to “It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas, Meredith Wilson, 1951]

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev’rywhere you go;
Take a look in Tiffany’s store, glistening once again
With Wall Street bonus trinkets all aglow.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Art flies from Christie’s.
But the amazing sight to see is the tax cut guarantee
For the most wealthy.

Hedge funders content, still paying 15 percent
Is the wish of Boehner and Mitch.
Help these hurt least by financial crises
Is the Chamber of Commerce pitch.
And the GOP and Tea Party can’t wait for Congress’ new session.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev’rywhere you go.
There’s treats in the tax break deal for all the very well-heeled:
Estate tax gifts for billionaires, you know?
It’s beginning to look like oligarchy
Secret campaign gifts
Give scions power in Congress halls to force jumps to all their calls,
Always good and swift.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
If you’re doing drugs.
Look at unemployed stats; foreclosures still roaring fast,
‘merican dreams and life savings both mugged.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas:
Food bank grocery lists.
The only break the unemployed see is 13-month’s reprieve
jobless benefits.

Aid and career counselors for jobless 99ers
Was the wish of Bernie and friends;
Help through COLAs for veterans and grandmas;
Was the hope of liberal House Dems;
Both crushed, progressives now all dread Congress’ new session.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev’rywhere you go.
There is a poisonous pill slipped into the tax cut deal:
Robbing Social Security, oh no!
It’s beginning to look like oligarchy.
Soon budget cuts will start
And the thing that will make them sting is the knowledge that you bring
Of the pain they’ll impart.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Everywhere you go.
Take a look in Congress Hall, middle class badly mauled,
By demands from Republicans, you know?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas;
Debts are racking up;
To help jobless 15 million, the bill’s $900 billion
— With the wealthy’s cut.

A steady job with good pay, health benefits to stay
Is the wish of the middle class.
A good economy; hope, security
Are the goals of the working class.
But they know Congress handles their concerns very last.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev’rywhere you go;
No money for construction or local government bond funds.
The stimulus will be much too low, so
It’s beginning to look like oligarchy;
Shake hard workers down
And give to the wealthy few, untrue to the red, white and blue,
Their greed has no bounds.