Humor

You might be a Republican if…

First posted at AddictingInfo.org

You Might be a Republican If……….

  1. You believe George W. Bush’s redistribution of middle-class tax cuts to the top 1% of tax-payers was good for America, but Obama’s plan to return it to the middle class is ‘socialism.’
  2. You believe stem cells are living human beings, but thousands of Iraqi children are ‘expendable collateral damage.’
  3. You believe tax cuts for billionaires is a great idea, yet you wonder why the economy has stalled, your job just got outsourced to India, and oil company executives receive $400,000,000.00 retirement packages.
  4. You believe the surge worked because the violence in Iraq is back to 2006 levels, which is only horrible, compared to what it was in 2007; intolerable. Besides, Brit Hume said so.
  5. You think trial lawyers are harmful to America, yet you support prosecuting some guy in Muncie Indiana who burned his 99¢ American flag that was made in China by forced child labor.
  6. You’re all for the ‘rule of law’ when it’s applied to Bill Clinton for lying about his infidelity, but not for prosecuting Karl Rove and Scooter Libby for committing treason.
  7. You think George W. Bush is actually a really smart guy, but his folksy manner just makes him seem dumber than he really is.
  8. You believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own, and that those who are born to poverty and never have opportunities for advancement, got what they deserved.
  9. You believe Ronald Reagan was a great president who had complete control of all aspects of government, but the Iran-Contra Affair was an insignificant scandal that went on without his knowledge.
  10. You believe Democrats tax and spend, but George W. Bush was a fiscal conservative.
  11. You believe Oliver North, who was CONVICTED of perjury, obstruction of justice, destroying evidence and accepting bribes, is a patriot. But John Kerry, who saved a man’s life while under enemy fire in Vietnam is a coward.
  12. You believe George W. Bush kept us safe from terror, and the failure to prevent the 9/11 attacks were Clinton’s fault.
  13. You actually believe Fox News is fair & balanced.
  14. You still believe Saddam had truckloads of WMDs, and that he somehow managed to sneak them into Syria, right under our noses.
  15. You believe Terri Schiavo was sentient all along, and Bill Frist had the ability to diagnose her condition by watching a 5 second video of her sleeping.
  16. You’re in favor of stronger prison sentences for drug users, yet your favorite radio personality is Rush Limbaugh.
  17. You complain about having to press 1 for English, yet you hire undocumented workers to mow your lawn because they’re cheaper than hiring the kid next door.
  18. Homosexuality is abhorrent to you, except when a Republican senator, the president of the National Association of Evangelicals, and a planted White House journalist get caught having sexual affairs with gay men. Then you suddenly feel sorry for them.
  19. The war in Iraq makes perfect sense to you, but any suggestion by Barack Obama that we target al Qaeda specifically is ‘dangerous and reckless.’
  20. You don’t mind that president Bush tortured men who were never charged with a crime, yet you’re horrified by the wrath of al Qaeda when they capture one of our guys.
  21. You believe the 1/10 of 1% of scientists who claim global warming is a hoax, and reject the 99.9% who say it’s real, because Sean Hannity and his friends in the oil industry have convinced you that science is a part of a greater liberal conspiracy.
  22. You believe patriotism means you should support your government right or wrong … unless a Democrat’s in power, then it’s your patriotic duty to call him a closet Muslim, challenge his birth certificate, expose his sex life and impeach him.
  23. You’re proud of your party’s ‘culture of life.’ Yet you support the death penalty for minors, you believe 600,000 dead Iraqis is justified because one of them was Saddam Hussein, and you oppose confronting the genocide in Darfur because they don’t have oil.
  24. You support prayer in school, as long as your kids aren’t subjected to Muslim prayers.
  25. You think Darwin’s theory of evolution is a loony fairy tale, and mankind actually began with two naked teenagers, a magic apple and a talking snake.
  26. You think $35 billion spent on health care for children is a waste of taxpayer’s money, but $1.7 trillion spent on a catastrophic war that has isolated us from our allies, decimated our economy and made us less safe was money well spent.
  27. You believe embargoing communist Cuba is sound foreign policy, but trading with China is just good business.
  28. You believe Bill Clinton was an immoral cad, but Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were faithful husbands (and Larry Craig just has a wide stance).
  29. You fervently defend the Constitution, but when president Bush got caught monitoring 300 million phones without a warrant, politicizing our justice system, hyping evidence for going to war and pardoning a convicted perjurer who just happened to be on his staff, then it’s okay, because he was ‘protecting America.’
  30. You were outraged when a gallon of gasoline went from $1.29 to $1.40 during the two terms of the Clinton presidency, but you didn’t seem to mind when prices tripled under George W. Bush, the “oil man.”
  31. You were furious when Bill Clinton pardoned international commodities trader Marc Rich, who was convicted of tax evasion, but applauded when George W. Bush exonerated Scooter Libby for obstructing justice to protect Dick Cheney from a treason indictment.
  32. With no evidence whatsoever, you complained of ‘voter fraud,’ and demanded that thousands of blacks be scrubbed from voting lists during the 2004 election in Ohio, yet when Rush Limbaugh asked his audience to illegally claim to be Democrats and vote for Hillary Clinton during the Ohio Primary in February to “stir up trouble,” a FELONY, you were okay with that.
  33. You believe Barack Obama should be held accountable for every sermon that Jeremiah Wright ever gave, but John McCain, who sought the endorsement of anti-Semitic, xenophobic, openly racist and homophobic pastors should be given a pass.
  34. You believe Barack Obama is either a secret Muslim, was actually born in Kenya, and his parents forged a fake birth certificate when he was born – just in case he should ever run for president, or that his father’s nationality disqualifies his son from being president, all because you read that on the Internet.
  35. You believe the 8 consecutive years of prosperity and strong economic growth from 1993 – 2001 was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush, but today’s recession is all Clinton’s and Obama’s fault.
  36. You laugh at how much better Barack Obama speaks with a TelePrompTer than without one, yet you never mention the fact that even with a TelePrompTer, every time George Bush opened his mouth, gibberish tumbled out.
  37. You still believe Barack Obama has somehow succeeded in fooling every government and independent examination with his “obviously Photoshopped” documents. Instead, you rely on Internet gossip, WorldNetDaily and Jerome Corsi as your sources for “truth.”
  38. Your conservative media spent more air time discussing Michelle Obama touching the queen of England’s arm than on the economy, the environment, terrorism and health care combined.
  39. You believe that we should get out of Afghanistan because Obama is “nation building,” yet for eight straight years of Bush’s bumbling incompetence there, you kept mum. Therefore, attacking Iraq makes sense, even though they never threatened us, but finishing off the job of finding Osama bin Laden; the terrorist who killed 3,000 Americans — Bush’s original task — is a dumb idea.
  40. You were furious that Barack Obama admitted in France that Americans have occasionally been “arrogant, dismissive and derisive,” but you cheered them on when Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld were arrogant, dismissive and derisive.
  41. You believe that Obama’s $3.6 trillion budget is an outrage, but never once complained that George Bush turned Bill Clinton’s $300 billion surplus into a $1.3 trillion deficit. And it never once occurred to you that Bush deliberately omitted the Iraq and Afghanistan wars from those statistics, which means Bush’s TRUE deficit was $3.1 trillion.
  42. You supported Gov. Sarah Palin, partly because you believed she kept a good Christian home. This, despite the fact that her seventeen year old unmarried daughter was knocked up, her son was accused of vandalizing 44 school buses (cutting the brake lines of school buses – HELLO!!?) and was given the choice of going to jail or join the military, and Palin herself was found guilty of abusing the power of her office. But Barack Obama can’t possibly be a true Christian, because his father was a Muslim, and his middle name is Hussein. (Besides, he’s black, and everybody knows that Jesus was a blond haired blue eyed white man.)
  43. You believe the only solution to gun violence is to make sure everybody is armed to the teeth. That way, when some crazy person goes on a killing spree, right-thinking people will take out the killer, and tranquility will prevail throughout the land.
  44. You believe the mainstream news anchors are crazy, biased and filled with hate, but Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity are rational, accurate and informative.
  45. You defend Rush Limbaugh’s right to wish for Obama to fail, and therefore, the failure of our republic, yet you call Democrats the “blame America first crowd.”
  46. You claim that the economic crisis is the fault of the Democrats, but never mention that it was the Reagan administration that massively deregulated the banking industry in 1982, and it was Phil Gramm – McCain’s choice for economic advisor – who completed the task for his pals in the banking industry in 1999.
  47. You believe the failure of the US automobile industry is primarily the fault of the unions, and not because management of the three corporations insisted on producing vehicles that nobody wanted. And you’re angry with the $28.00 per hour average wage of the work force, but you believe that the multimillion dollar salaries of the men who bankrupted the industry are perfectly reasonable.
  48. You believe Barack Obama is a “narcissistic megalomaniac,” because you heard Glenn Beck call him that once, but Beck himself is a humble man, concerned only for your welfare (brought to you by Goldline!).
  49. You believe anybody who doesn’t subscribe to Orly Taitz’ birther movement is a RINO, and those who do, are carrying the torch of Reaganism.
  50. You think this list is mean-spirited and biased, and even though you privately acknowledge to yourself that it’s all true, you believe the Democrats are just as bad. Here’s a bulletin: Nobody has ever been this bad.

Delay’s legal defense aids prosecution

Attorneys for former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R) have started their defense in his money laundering trial by accidentally helping the prosecution make its case, the Houston Chronicle reports. A scheduling calendar produced by the defense showed that he met with a PAC official hours before the man carried a blank check to the Republican National Committee, contrary to DeLay’s denials. “I just missed that one,” said his defense lawyer Dick DeGuerin.

Posted by tfdnihilist at 02:31 PM on DrudgeRetort.com

Extremism Loses in Colorado

Tom Tancredo's campaign went down in flames, taking a lot of Times-Call money with it

While this Nov. 2 was a terrible night in many ways for Colorado Democrats, they do have some good news: the Terrible Three were all defeated soundly, Dan Martin didn’t even get close to being County Clerk and Tom Tancredo went down in flames spectacularly – Dan Maes even more so.

I think it’s pretty obvious that the extremists in Colorado got a good dose of what the Dems got and I suspect they’ll take their medicine with a lot less dignity than the Dems.

As usual with politics the pendulum swings – this time to the right, next time back to the left. Hopefully the Dems will wake up, grow a pair and realize that just being obstructionists like the GOP won’t work. They have control of the Senate but you can count on the couple of crazy teabaggers that did get elected to be pushing all sorts of wild ideas through the house with the red-faced help of the mainstream GOP. The Dems need to make sure the voters see that the GOP is letting the far-right lunatic fringe drive the country into ruin. The threats to cut government now have to be either realized or admitted as lies and the teabaggers will have to start being specific about their intended cuts – that’s when the real fun begins.

Every time the teabaggers want to cut a program it’s going to hurt some GOP constituency and you can bet money the howlers will be coming for their heads, not the Dems. Being the majority party means being accountable, something the GOP’s never been good at, so good luck with that guys.

Darn those election laws!

Well darn it all.

What’s become of Colorado politics when you can’t just collect up a pile of money from your ‘successful*’ pals and run a good old fashioned hard-core smear campaign? All those pesky election laws that keep getting in the way and making it hard for you to cover up for your boar-huntin buddies!

Colorado Ethics Watch highlighted this story from the Colorado Independent:

As the head of Clear the Bench Colorado, firebrand Matt Arnold has toured conservative activist events across the state this past year asking Coloradans to vote against retaining members of the state’s supreme court. He argued and is arguing in the last weeks before the November elections that members of the bench are liberal activists who disdain the law. In recent days, an administrative courts judge and the elections director for the state informed Arnold that he failed to follow the laws that govern the form of political activity in which he has been engaging.

The latest chapter in the winding legal tale came Wednesday in the form of a letter issued by Judd Choate (pdf), elections division director with the secretary of state, who wrote that Arnold must alter the activity of or terminate his incorrectly registered issue committee, Clear the Bench, and that Arnold can legally transfer none of the money he has collected for Clear the Bench to any new political committee he might file to operate. Choate also informed Arnold that for the entire year Clear the Bench has existed, it has failed to properly file campaign finance reports.


What?! More paperwork filing issues? Where’s those accountability czars when you need em?!?

Luckily we’ll have no more such silliness as transparency and accountability in Longmont – those things get in the way of progress**. You can thank none other than Brian Baum and Gabe Santos for that – true heroes of the teabaggin right.

Don’t worry Longmont, once the Lunatic Fringe takes over, everything will get better. Not for you “little people,” but really, who cares about you?


* or as those scurrilous lefties and activist judges call ’em: crooks

** draining public funds into far-right private pockets

Hang in there Dan!

I don’t care what anyone says about Dan Maes campaign finances, he’s still the guy I’d vote for if I were a wealthy far-far-right Republican. He won the GOP primary after all. I think all this fuss about financial chaos is just Tancredo’s camp trying to drive him off – with the quiet behind-the-scenes help of Dick Wadhams. Mr Wadhams, who can’t stand Tanc, realizes Maes is going to trainwreck the CO GOP right to the bottom of the ballot. So, despite any talk-radio dustup between he and the teeny Tanc I suspect Mr. Wadhams will find some way to get rid of Maes – why, his salvation might be right here in Longmont. So, be careful out there Dan, you’ve got people with a lot of money and not one single scruple working to stop you. Keep up the brave fight, you’re making those folks on far right edge of the Bell curve proud. Don’t let a little paperwork trip you up now! You and Scott Gessler will bring real accountability to Colorado government, assuming the sticky notes hold out.

(readers may wish to wipe the tears of laugher from their eyes now)

Teeny Tiny Tanc Tassel

Tom Tancredo - tiny constituency

"Teeny" just about covers it

Tom “Tanc” Tancredo showed up in Longmont this past Friday to press the flesh and snarf down some yummy pancakes at the Ken Pratt IHOP (they have wonderful food and terriffic service, IMHO).

So let’s see… last census of Longmont shows 71,093 residents. Let’s play with some numbers: if you assume that even half of those people are registered voters you’ve got roughly 35,000. Be generous and say that half of them are Republicans, so 17,500. Be generous and say that half of them vote, so 8,750. So… a spitball estimate of the amount of support being shown: 2%.
Teeny

Tiny

Not even a ‘fringe‘ – more like a… tassel.

Last wish

From the Drudge Retort:

A reader passed along an obituary this week for a man who died last month in Rome, Ga. Donald Unsworth, 78, a former police officer who owned a driving school and hardware store, will “always be remembered for his generosity and his willingness to help needy families and friends,” said the notice, which asked for donations in his honor to the American Cancer Society. Additionally, Unsworth asked that contributions be made in his name to “whoever is running against President Barack Obama in 2012.”


Wow. Now that’s what I’d call ‘partisan‘ – hate from beyond the grave.

Banjo music

Anonymous pseudonyms are so useful for hiding your identity when you just want to spew hate. Trouble is, if your target doesn’t care to be your poo-flinging victim it just looks sad. For example, someone using the fake name ‘Grandpa Jones’ (we’ve featured it before) seems to think my user account (M. Douglas Wray) at the Times-Call has been ‘canned.’

I regret to inform this particular howler that my access is still just fine. I just had better things to do till just now… unlike them:

I know, dootie. Go ahead, hurt the children. I’m with red on this one. This is just another liberal joke where you need 100 people working for the government to “help” 20 needy families. They probably recruit them from other counties to help create liberal jobs. So, at least the TC finally canned dooties account for awhile. I was getting tired of him lifting all our posts and claiming we’re all out to get him. What a joke.
GrandpaJones, longmont, co, 9/28/2010 1:34 PM

I never said ‘they were all out to get me’ – just a tiny cabal of angry partisans who desperately spend hours every day stomping their feet and looking for new ways to make fun of my name.

It’s no problem, I enjoy banjo music.

Some bumper stickers

Top Ten Anti-Buck Bumper Sticker Ideas

  1. Stop this Buck here
  2. A no point Buck
  3. Buck naked? (link or website)
  4. Buck is all Bucked up
  5. Avoid this Cluster Buck
  6. Buck IS the system
  7. Buck? Uck!
  8. Buck you
  9. Don’t get Buck knifed
  10. There’s no going Buck

The Gipper’s no ‘Bagger

Seen at firedoglake:

South Carolina Republican: Ronald Reagan Wouldn’t Cut It in Today’s Teabaggy GOP

By: Blue Texan Tuesday September 21, 2010 10:30 am

Oh no he didn’t.

President Ronald Reagan, a Republican icon, might not be welcome in today’s GOP, Rep. Bob Inglis (R-S.C.) suggested Tuesday.  […]

“I think this would be a tough time for Ronald Reagan and Jack Kemp,” Inglis added. “They were optimists that believe in America. Right now, unfortunately, conservatism is being presented with a voice of snarling rather than a face of smiling, and it really doesn’t fit America.

Well, Inglis is both right and wrong.

He’s wrong in that the “optimistic” smiley-faced Reagan spewed right-wing bile with the best of them: “welfare queens,” “Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal,” “Unemployment insurance is a pre-paid vacation for freeloaders,” — very snarly!

But here’s where Inglis is right.

Reagan passed one of the biggest tax increases in US history, tripled the national debt, signed SHAMNESTY! into law, wanted to abolish nuclear weapons — and cut and run from terra.

Now even one of those heresies, in the new DeMint/Palin/Teatard GOP, makes Ronnie the very definition of a RINO.